Will you blow on my dice?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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