allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
