Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
