Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
