I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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