I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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