I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
