Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
