I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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