Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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