If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
