Soap is not a condiment
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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