A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
