Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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