I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
