Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
