Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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