everyone is single if you try hard enough
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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