my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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