I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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