Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
