I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
