I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Congratulations! We have a period
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