your parents love me but you hate me
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
