I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
