My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
