Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
