you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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