So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
