Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
