Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
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