Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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