Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
