I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
