I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am puke
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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