His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
