Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
