Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
