you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
