wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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