nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
