Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
