So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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