Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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