his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
