i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
