and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
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