so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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