just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
