Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
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But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
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I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
we should paint friendship bongs
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