He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
