Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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