Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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