happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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