Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
