Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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