I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
