Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
