Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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