She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
