I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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