it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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